Doc Cormoli, good friend, cohort-mate, classmate and above all a jolly great fellow to know came up with this God-awesome aid to diagnosing the kinds of Class Participation which eager, over-eager MBA-hopefuls spew in class under the fear of or the desire of that elusive 20% of the final grade in every subject. This "aid" is by far (including all the assignments we submit for grading) the best and most original piece of work this batch has produced thus far! It's worth a read, re-read, re-re-read...I'll read this piece every time I feel a bit low in life...
Doc, you're da maaaan!
Enjoy!!!
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Dear All,
It is rather upsetting to see everyone mocking the act of CP (Class Participation).
However, I cannot blame those of you who do, as none can claim to have had access to medical education. Being in that “privileged” position, I now bring it upon myself to enlighten all of you!
Following extensive research on the acts of CP over the past few months, I have concluded that CP is a grave illness, the likes of which the medical fraternity is still struggling to fathom. As such, we should not mock or chastise those who are afflicted and who suffer tolerantly.
As an aid to rapid diagnosis, I am forwarding the commonest forms of the illness identified till date, with easily recognizable signs and symptoms.
WARNING: The following content contains explicit medical terminology and descriptions which may be deemed offensive by some. Persons with delicate sensibilities are advised not to read further, and to delete this mail immediately. Author cannot be held responsible for any consequences of ignoring this warning.
An aid to diagnosis of CP:
1. Acute CP – the freshly infected person presents with a sudden unprecedented bout of CP. If neglected, it may progress into the chronic form.
2. Chronic CP – a case of neglected acute CP, who has now turned chronic. However, it is usually self-limiting, and is likely to end in April 2011.
3. Cerebral CP – actually a very desirable affliction, where the CP benefits those who suffer from it, as well as others around the patient.
4. Benign CP – a CP that is neatly excised by the Professor without further complications.
5. Malignant CP – Usually spreads rapidly and erratically, involving many systems, and occasionally extending to the whole class. Needs intensive and focused therapy for recovery of the main topic, failing which the class cannot survive.
6. Delusional CP – the sufferer tends to share experiences and/or ideas that do not have any connection to the topic being discussed. S/he may also feel that his/her is the final word in CPs, and no further discussion need be held.
7. Myopic CP – the afflicted normally do not have any idea of what is going on, but catch a glimpse of a few key words in the case, and voila! We have a CP.
8. Obstructed labour CP – here, the nulliparous CP’er is repeatedly obstructed by the multiparous CP’er and fails to deliver his/her CP. Usually requires intervention by the Prof for successful delivery.
9. Diarrhoeal CP – an extremely grave condition, in which the sufferer is in obvious discomfort, needing to have a go at it repeatedly. The rest have to patiently await their turn.
10. Constipated CP – not as debilitating as the previous. The afflicted are usually not satisfied with the first attempt, and will make another attempt. Quite possibly, if given sufficient time at the second attempt, they will then be relieved.
11. Appendicular CP – named after a vestigial organ, the main characteristic of this CP is that no one knows why it is there or what function it serves. Occasionally causes trouble. If removed, it isn’t missed.
12. Incontinent/flatulent CP – as the name suggests, it occurs at the most inappropriate moment, and can be immensely embarrassing to all who witness it. Helplessness arises from the fact that once out, it is uncontrollable.
13. Paralytic CP – a recently discovered form, where a cold call for CP usually leaves the infected person paralysed in thought, speech, and action.
14. CPhobia – also caused by CP, but seen in the non-infected who have had continuous exposure to CP’ers. Characterized by severe panic attacks and/or a feeling of doom on catching sight of a raised hand and/or eager face.
15. Premature ej@©μ#@tory CP – the sufferer lets out a CP long before it is expected or needed. The topic of CP is supposed to be discussed later or in the next session. Usually results in a dissatisfying experience for all involved.
16. Amnesic CP – characterized by competing vigorously for a chance at CP, then forgetting what was to be said.
Please note that the above list is not exhaustive as research still continues. Recognizing the increasing gravity of the situation, a helpline is being proposed, and will soon be operational.
An Anti-CP vaccine is currently undergoing clinical trials (self-testing by yours truly) and has shown promising results. However, it needs further modification as it is currently ineffective against Paralytic CP and CPhobia, and also causes drowsiness as a major side-effect, which may be unacceptable to some.
Volunteers for further trials are welcome.
With regards,
Doc Cormoli
